On The Legend Of Nilam Patel

How well do you think you know Nilam (pictured here in the middle of a fierce kung-fu battle set to a Tan Dun/Yo-Yo Ma score. This is her shadowless tight-lipped serpent technique, famed in all the lands of the white flag)? If you've even heard her speak for 30 seconds, I bet you'd think you know her quite well. Really, what more could there be to her? There's a LOT more, trust me. Here's a story about her past that few know. It is but part 1 in the 548 part series, Better Know a Nilam:

Nilam Patel was once the head of the guerrilla armed forces in Nicaragua. This might come as a surprise to you, as she seems to be pretty non-violent, but anyone who's been burned by the searing heat of her "scary eyes" knows better than to underestimate her ability to inflict pain. Still, Nilam brought a "paradigm shift," as she likes to call it, to the usual methods of the Contra. As she once said, "When you've killed 30 or 40 people and it's only noon, it's really time to call it a day. After that, it's just showing off. Na'mean?" (I really don't) This change did not come without resistance. The leaders of the forces suspected that Nilam was po-lice and tried to force her to kill a captured member of the Frente Sandinista de Liberación Nacional (FSLN) in plain sight of everyone to prove where her allegiance lay, but Nilam stood tall (so to speak) and, advocated that, instead of killing, they effect revolution through "tough love," with many lightning strikes of "hugging it out," in an unprecedented attempt to shock and awe the opposition.

Nilam cannot be completely absolved of culpability in the death and destruction heaped upon the people, livestock and countryside of Nicaragua, however. Much as Che Guevara was but a peaceful, peasant doctor early in his life but later assembled and trained armies around the world, never were the Contra as efficient and intimidating as after Nilam took over their leadership. Ever the peppy go-getter, Nilam would have the troops up at 6 AM, intoning, "Rise and shine, bitches. The people of Nicaragua aren't going to murder themselves!" The extremists' resolve also grew as a result of her efforts toward unity and respect for the chain-of-command amongst the ranks (of course, this came only after Nilam bested and vanquished the former leaders and any insubordinate officers in a martial arts tournament that lasted 4 days and 3 nights and ended with her ripping out the heart of a fallen opponent with her bare hands--after which she promptly sanitized said hands with Purell), foremost of which were her changes to the uniform ("Camo fatigues are so passé," Nilam explained in an interview with the Managua Sun-Times. "Our uniforms were of the latest styles and sleekest cuts. The linen breathed fabulously in the sweltering Nicaraguan heat. We were color-coordinated and organized by rank, astrological sign and favorite bubble tea flavor. I also did the troops' makeup. A little eye cream and blush can go a long way to reducing signs of aging and fatigue"), as well as her chocolate-covered strawberries, which were always a hit at the weekly pot-luck dinners.

Asked recently if she regrets any of her actions from this past life, and what ever possessed her to do this in the first place, Nilam said, simply, "Leadership experience, baby! Med school, here I come!"